i am a mom. 3 kids. a wife. former lawyer. former production assistant for two tv shows. i am a volunteer at my kids’ school. a fundraiser. i am a beach girl and i love to dance. i love wigs. and writing. i am an instructor at soulcycle in new york city. mind, body, cardio. it’s the words the women chose for their business. a place i found 5 years ago just as it opened and was finding its footing. full-body indoor cycling. we use one pound weights. we decide how strong we are. we are accountable for our pace. our intervals. it is a way of life and i am living it. i have a chronic form of lymphoma – follicular non-hodgkins lymphoma. one of 80 types i am told. hundreds of thousands diagnosed in this country each year. environmental causes or triggers. i’m not the scientist or the doctor. i haven’t focused on those numbers. i’ve been learning to live. and the wild and amazing thing is that i am doing it better than ever.
i meditate 20 minutes twice a day, i am making healthier choices with my diet, listening to my doctor, i am still teaching my classes at soulcycle. not on the bike, the bike i love and am so free and comfortable on, where i can move my body to the rhythm of music. but on the floor. moving around. checking form. offering encouragement. reminders. choosing the playlists song by song. i am a better teacher now and i can still move my body to the rhythm, to the music. and music is good medicine.
i believe if you put it out there it will come back to you. and if you have something to say, say it. and don’t expect perfection in yourself or your lovers, friends, siblings, co-workers, strangers. i have done it wrong plenty of times. dominated don’t lists. made mistakes along the way. bad choices. but life is a journey. and each of those steps got me to where i am. and i am happy. i am going to be the person i would want my kids to be. i am going to forgive because then i am also free and nobody’s perfect and we can’t spend our lives asking why did that happen to me or why did i do that. struggling to understand causes and motivations. we can’t spend our lives anticipating, guessing and then being attached to that imagined idea. we have one life to live. just know how you want to be and be it. it really is that simple. can’t change the past – no mystery there. can’t control the future – still no mystery. only now. just choose each step. don’t resist. fear. avoid.undermine.
if you resist it, the wave will knock you down every time. but if you go with it, relax into it – the size of the wave you can maneuver is unimaginable. immense.
soulcycle is a metaphor for life. i used to believe it. now i know it.
meditation is profound rest. a reliever of stress. a way to clarity and awareness. because of it, i am doing my life better. i know it.
i can make choices that will decrease the risk of cancer. simple choices. klean kanteen. no more diet soda. moderation. i know how.
i am now. the journey
i started this blog to update people on my treatment when i found out i had to start the chemotherapy. R-CHOP is the cocktail. i have never felt better in my life. i have been so touched by the kind words and thoughts and stories people are sharing with me. about the blog. what it meant to them. my kids read it. their friends read it. my husband reads it. riders at soulcycle. cancer patients and advocates for lymphoma research. its wild because in the writing of updates, i found a voice. i love to write. it helps me think clearly. i wrote this ABOUT on a day i had chemo. i have been awake since 6 am and it is almost 1:30am.
as soon as i get to it i want to add some PAGES – i think that is what they are called. until i started writing this May 15th i had never really read a blog and am essentially blog illiterate. but i am learning as i go. and wordpress is making it easy.
i want to add a section for SIGNS: a place where people can share their stories of signs they have noticed. i make lists of them every day lately. and people tell me and email me and i think they are worth hearing about.
i want to have a section where i can link you to things i am OBSESSED with. not in the bad way obsessed. but in the i am so loving it way.
i want to have links to foundations and groups that are making this world a better place, with not so much cancer, and not so much excess.
“iam” is the latin for “now”. the journey is what i’ve been calling it since i was diagnosed. i tattooed it on the inside of my finger. soulcycle is a way of life and i’m living it.
i am now the journey.