//
you're reading...
in my words

full circle

i have so much to say. all the time. even when i don’t open my mouth. even when i don’t put it down in words.
the thoughts in my head come full circle. a constant challenge to filter the fear from the resolve. process the emotions. try to live in the moments. enjoy the good times without begrudging the hard ones. not get caught up in the “why?”!!! i work so hard to not let the lows get too low. to not let the fear of the unknown paralyze the living of my life. to not let the word cancer define every part of me.
so how do i let the highs feel high without opening up the possibility of the opposite? how do i process the good news? i got some yesterday. nothing changed except for the words that were spoken to me. spoken to me by my brilliant doctor. a guy who knows so much more than he speaks. but he chose yesterday to say “results don’t get better than this” . . . he told me everything i was doing was everything i should keep on doing. he said that he wants to leave me be for a while. let my body really heal from the chemicals in the medicine that have been flowing through the cells of my body since may. he said i will soon remember how good i can feel. i think i feel good already. but then again, i thought i was strong until i got strong . . .
so i sit here. at the hospital. the IV is in my arm. and here we go. last chemo . . . for now.
it’s that tag on that is the rub. that “for now” that i mentally attach to everything. it’s the rub and the reminder. it’s who i want to be. who i am. i am now. it is all that there is. and it takes all of me to remember that. live that.
and it is my gut that tells me i am ok. it is my gut that is the good news. i have learned to trust it above all else. i keep it strong teaching at soulcycle. i keep it strong by choosing the steps. walking my walk. putting the love out there.
my soul and my spirit are completely saturated with love and support. overwhelmingly sometimes. if you put it out there it will come back to you. i say those words out loud. i contemplate them in private. full circle is my religion. i have the tattoo.
i have so much to say. all the time. even when i don’t open my mouth or write down the words. mostly i want to say thank you. for the prayers. for the bracelets. for the love. for riding with me in class and being accountable as a community. for reminding me it is ok to celebrate good news.

IF TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY by nickelback

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What’s worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’re never living twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you’re dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you’d finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it’s never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
‘Cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
‘Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you’re dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you’d finally fall in love if today was your last day?

Advertisements

About iamnowthejourney

i am a mom. an instructor at soulcycle. a poster girl for cancer. this is what 42 looks like. this is what cancer looks like. and i've never been better.

Discussion

5 thoughts on “full circle

  1. Amazing post cousin Mel!! πŸ™‚ I wanted to share a little motivation that I got from yoga class last night that relates to this post.

    Our cute tiny as can be little yoga teacher tells us a motivational piece for the last 2-3 minutes of class every week and this week she referred to some movie that is not coming to me at the moment but it was all about how our soul, our gut, leads us in the right direction because it knows what is best for us at this point in time. Whatever extra power is out there…helps lead us down the right path every moment. We don’t ever have to worry we are doing the wrong thing because deep down it is already taken care of. We can’t try to control every little thing that happens to us or that we decide to do with our lives because it will all turn out just how it is suppose to. Our gut/soul won’t lead us astray!!

    Relates to me so well these days and can touch everyone on a different level…just remember you are in your right place and you are doing whats best for you no matter how much you wonder how you could have changed it or how wrong something feels. Just live your life for every moment!

    Loved the story but love you more!!!! xoxox mel

    Thanks again for an amazing week with you and the family…i needed that…don’t see family enough!! πŸ™‚

    xoxox

    Posted by Brittany Dickinson | September 9, 2011, 10:40 am
    • Brit… I love you with my whole heart. brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it… You and Justin and JD and your mama… Val. i’m hugging her in my mind… πŸ™‚ she is a part of us always. her smile so contagious. her laugh so pure and innocent and always full of joy. i love you like i birthed you from my very own parts!!! from my gut, my soul… so proud of you. love you, girl…
      thanks for what you wrote…

      Posted by iamnowthejourney | September 9, 2011, 2:35 pm
    • I did yoga yesterday, too!!! and with a tiny one!!! she spoke about being present in each moment and discovering how that is bliss.
      See you soon!! Xo

      Posted by iamnowthejourney | September 9, 2011, 2:37 pm
  2. I have tears in my eyes too… Love to you both!

    Posted by Andrew Frager | September 9, 2011, 5:42 pm
  3. Thank you for sharing your remarkable journey. Congrats on crossing the finish line, which is in fact also the beginning of the race……..

    Posted by Jackie | September 10, 2011, 8:21 am

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: