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in my words

check in. check up. check out

I’ve been keeping a little to myself lately. keeping close to my inner circle. a little quiet. on vacation last week with my family. fire island. my summer home. heading back there today after treatment. i’m a little more emotional as the summer draws to a close. round 4 found my reserve of tears. I guess it’s good to cry when you feel like crying…

empathy in high gear siting in this waiting room… i know what it takes for me to feel strong. i know how much love and support comes my way. i thought i was strong, until i got strong. but maybe i’ll say that again one day. for now – breathe in. breathe out. repeat.

yesterday I just tried to know I was ok without waiting for the doc to tell me. to know the chemo is working without having to wait for the CT scan to announce that. and the doc said it was working. he used words like “nice results” and “working fine.” not quite the superlatives I would choose. but a confirmation of sorts for what I knew.

so today is round 5. and today is also the beginning of two final weeks with my kids at the beach. lots of ocean air to breathe. september is my january. a new year. I have been dreaming big dreams. will I find the strength to walk the path? live the life I imagine. do what I set out to do? finish what I start? each step we take is an opportunity to choose. I say it and I know it. I just need a few more steps in the sand before I settle in to the path where my journey leads…


About iamnowthejourney

i am a mom. an instructor at soulcycle. a poster girl for cancer. this is what 42 looks like. this is what cancer looks like. and i've never been better.


3 thoughts on “check in. check up. check out

  1. Melanie, I’m glad the tears found you while you were surrounded by friends, kids and family at the place you love most. It was bound to happen.
    You are brave and you don’t always have to be brave.
    Thinking of you a lot -Allison

    Posted by Allison Hadar | August 19, 2011, 11:58 am
  2. Dear Melanie, I find tears to be the necessary grand exhale of a burdened soul. a necessary passage…and a healing. It sometimes is the only way . .. breath in, shed a tear… a sob…breath out, breath in peace…breath out the inevitable fears,problems and difficulties of life… breath in……..breeeeath out ≈ ≈ ≈ much love

    Posted by Rima Berzin | August 19, 2011, 12:54 pm
  3. a beautifully real post

    Posted by FortuneKeeperncy Jean | August 20, 2011, 12:37 am

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